I don’t buy it, I am sorry. I just don’t buy it.
Marius, the Sales Manager from FUNDA Training and Conferencing was shaking his head.
“What don’t you buy?” I asked.
You don’t want to invite negativity into the room, it is not good for learning. You want people positive and spirited. It is good for the brain. You want them to pump endorphins. Don’t you know the story of the car dealership guy whose branch sold 200 new cars a month. When the big boss asked him what his secret was, he replied that he did not allow any negativity into his meetings. Any issues were dealt with outside of meetings with only the individuals concerned. Now you tell me people should air their criticism publicly?
That is an interesting observation, let’s think about it a bit. Is there a difference between criticism and doubts? It seems to me that one comes before the other. If doubts are not aired or at least acknowledged, they turn into criticism and negativity that can poison the water later after you have left. It has to do with the SCARF model again.
If people feel threatened, they go into defence mode. This can happen when you try to convince people of a perspective: they feel manipulated and bamboozled. If you allow them to speak their mind and raise their mixed emotions, you are backing down from the power position and acknowledging that they may think or feel differently from you. This takes the brain out of defence mode and helps it open to your ideas. In other words, it raises the brain’s status.
As an extra bonus it helps the brain feel like it has the power to choose how it (the brain) feels, increasing autonomy. IF the brain had chatted to another brain and discovered that it is not the only one with these thoughts or feelings, it feels more accepted and validated, helping with relatedness.
Hoping to make my point, I turned to Claire: “Do you have any similar doubts to Marius’s?”
No, she said, but I did not appoint him to agree with me. I count on Marius to cover all the basis so that we can sell this concept if we end up buying it from you. She smiled and put a hand on his arm: You are doing well.
Marius burst out laughing: you are full of it, Claire, playing me by using relatedness like that – seeming not to agree with me and then still making me feel like I belong here. Throwing in a sprinkle of status raising!
I did not mean it like that, she laughed, but am happy if it works for your brain.
Marius turned back to me: So, does this trick always work?
Hell no, I had a client from Mediclinic who loved our work so much, he got us back to do a follow-up three months after our initial workshop. One of his team members broke into tears at the news refusing to be part of the process. “I hated every minute of it and you can’t let me go through that again. I can not function on that level. If was way too far out of my comfort zone”. It was an Applied Improvisation workshop where we used our ImprovSense games to help them create solutions for strained team dynamics. They were a financial division and used to numbers, procedures and routine. Even all out tricks cannot work for everyone.
Marius’s smile from before deepened. I did not expect an answer like that and I feel the effect on my brain as you lower your status. You are clever.
Also honest, Marius. To take a saying from Peter Block: We do work, not magic. Sometimes our best efforts still fail.
It is working for me though, he answered. Can you give me more ways or exercises to stimulate the airing of mixed feelings?
It was my turn to smile. “Sure”.